14 Aug

I used to believe that anxiety was something to be combatted. 

Freed from.

Once conquered never to raise its ugly head again.

I have suffered at the depths of anxiety, and ninja'd my way through to the other side a zillion times! 

During the year aged 14 ish.. when I allowed it to trap me in my own home following my boyfriend being attacked and beaten by a gang.  Right before my eyes, helpless. 

during the years of PTSD that followed.

During the time that followed the day I hopped through my hometown on crutches after a bomb attack.

During an emotionally abusive marriage, 

During divorce! 

starting out again on my own, with  3 kids and no health. 

during a decade of undiagnosed auto immune disorders, M.E. B12 deficiency, thyroid cancer,  trying to function as a well person. 

During it all I mastered conquering anxiety.  Time and time again. 

Then the next life thing would happen... 

And here's the thing, I am finally realising.. anxiety does not ever go away.  'Life things' don't stop happening. 

But I no longer need to be paralysed by the anxiety. 

Anxiety can guide us to areas in life that we need to look at and change.

Anxiety can teach us to really connect with and train our body and minds.

Anxiety reminds us that we are human. And Alive and feeling. 

Anxiety means we care, perhaps too much, and that's ok.

It wasn't just the big life things that set anxiety off.

I'd suffer anxiety at doctors appointments, I'd suffer when I was building my life back up facing fears and new challenges daily. 

I'd suffer anxiety at every day stuff.  Answering the phone! Going my local shop, 

When  I got in my own place again, after some years  with my parents -healing and recovering from health issues, a whole fresh load of anxieties arrived! 

When I re started my business and took a leap of faith renting a beautiful space to share with wonderful teachers and therapists. When I promised our community I’d bring them magic. 

When it crept back up on me intensely this past couple of months. During another 'life thing' 

Quite a few life things all at once to be honest! 

The penny dropped.

Admittedly it dropped after I gave myself further anxiety for still not having fully conquered anxiety! 

I had all the tools under my belt... All the answers, all the techniques to stamp on it before it stamped on me. 

I knew how to soften it, sit with it, move forward despite it. 

I knew how to come out of my head, in to my body, I know how to relax my body and let go of tension.

I know how to become mindful, and distract myself from anxiety. 

I know how to throw the towel in .... sink in to a hot bath close my eyes and let the water drown out the sickly knawing feelings. 

But I don't know how to make it go away forever. 

I realised, that I was on mission impossible. 

It was a hard pill to swallow. 

I had never truly conquered anxiety as I'd led myself to believe.

What I realised, is that it isn't about conquering anxiety,  infact since its latest visit,  I've decided to make friends with anxiety. 

Because it is not anxiety that ever needed conquering. It was my response to anxiety. 

When I changed my response, it changed everything. 

Anxiety came, time and time again, I gave it my power. 

Then battled to win it back. 

Perhaps now the fighting can stop now?

it isn’t about conquering anxiety.

It is about accepting, whilst mastering the strategies to control our respone

Hello my friend anxiety. .. 

Today I simply welcome you 💛


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